So I'm going to be honest. I hate this. I hate the way I feel right now. I hate feeling conflicted, I hate not knowing if I'm right, or wrong. I hate the idea that I'm probably wrong most of the time anyway. I hate being alone. I mean I have my friends and family and they've all been amazing. But they can't give me what I actually want. No one can right now. Well that's not completely true, someone can give me what I want, but I don't know who.
Being alone is all well and good for the most part, I could handle being alone emotionally. Emotionally I have the best support anyone could ever ask for. I am not lacking in that department. I hate the sleeping alone, and waking up alone, rinse and repeat. I miss the embrace, the kissing goodbye, the kissing hello, the holding hands. I miss having someone beside me when I have bad dreams (which I do), I miss the slight sound of someone else breathing at night, I miss the idea that I won't have to be alone again even though it didn't last. I don't even know what I would give to be held in someone's arms and think they might actually care about me. I want someone to be that close to me again. I want to say I'm strong enough to be on my own, but I can't.
I have an amazing life, full of amazing people, I just lost the person I was supposed to share it with and I wasn't even happy. That's the worst part. Riley didn't make me happy, in fact most of the time he made me quite sad. So why is it so upsetting to me that I'm alone now? I've come to the decision I'm upset because I've lost any remnant of confidence I once had. Riley really didn't want to be with me. According to him, and I quote, "the attraction dwindled". I was 220 lbs when I met Riley. How much can it dwindle? Then I have to force myself to think about, well myself. Physically maybe I'm not less attractive but what in my personality has changed? Where have I lost attraction? I'm so scared that if I can't even hold onto Riley, why should any guy even notice me? Or if they do notice me maybe the only thing driving them to pay attention is pity. I don't want to be pitied. I want to be appreciated.
I have nothing to set me apart from the rest. I like to read, I like to take pictures, I like to make things, I like to hike, I like to swim, I used to think someday I'd get into biking but that hasn't happened yet. I have a lovely blue Schwinn road bike with silver fenders in my garage looking spectacularly unused. I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none. I am probably going to end up settling for a wonderful guy I don't really care for because I'm too scared to try for what I want. Then that poor wonderful guy is going to be me right now. Vicious cycle. In cases like this the ONLY reason I don't try for what I want is because I KNOW I will not succeed. My fear of rejection, spawning from my lack of confidence, all directly related back to my relationship with Riley. God I need to see a shrink.
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