Pick Me Pick Me

I'm sick of being second rate. I'm sick of everyone having someone else that is just a little bit more what they're looking for. I don't like that I'm the type that is just so mediocre that I make a great buddy buddy, but a terrible partner.

I don't want to be the person you turn to when it doesn't work out with 'her'. I want to be the person you see and realize "Yup, that's 'her'". I want to be the best of everything. Exactly what you wanted. I admit that I like things that are silly. That I read too much. That I do in fact sing the instrumental parts of songs. I cry in movies. I cry in books. I cry in life. I really do laugh out loud when I write lol. I do almost everything half assed unless it involves emotions, I do everything 100% when it comes to that. I don't go out of my way to point out someone is wrong. I catch spiders and other bugs in cups and let them go outside and say "Be free my buggy friend" in farewell. I'm not a bad kind of person. I just have some quirks. I just want someone to notice those quirks and think "Damn, that's neat".

One boy called me neat. I didn't date him because I had to try again. Why did I try again? Where would I be now if I had just let that boy think I was neat for a little bit longer? No use asking such silly questions. Better use of my time right now is sleep.

To sleep perchance to dream, ah there's the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come?

Making a Plan.

I need to accomplish something on my own. Trying to figure out what in the world that could be is the hard part. The most obvious solution is to take part in the Skagit Flats 1/2 marathon in September. I think about it and my body screams "NOOOOOO! Please no, anything but that." To which I reply "But I think it's a splendid plan."

After a long conversation with a friend I realized that I have no idea what I'm doing right now. No idea. I want to talk and then I can't figure out what to say. I want instant answers, instant gratification for things I haven't even done yet. I figure instant gratification isn't likely even after I do them. I am walking around in a haze grasping at straws. I want to take this confusion and anger and funnel it into an answer.

I feel like if I can do this, prepare myself for something this big I will improve my health, my stamina, my appearance. What could be bad about it? Then I think about what will happen if I fail. If I set this goal and don't reach it. I keep not doing anything because I'm scared. I avoid way too much out of fear. I don't say things I mean because I'm scared. I am not happy right now because I'm scared to take the chances that could make me so.

So here is my plan:

I will run 3 to 4 times a week. Maybe more if I can talk myself into it.

I will cut way back on the eating of sweets. Yes that's right, it hurts but I can do it.

I will cut back on the intake of dairy in my life. I can drink rice or soy milk and be just as happy.

I will be able to run 5 miles by the end of June. 10 by the end of August. 13 by September.

(Disclaimer: Even if I can't run 13 miles by September my goal is just to finish.)

I want to be healthier, and happier.

I guess I'm giving a whole new meaning to running away from my problems.