Wine + I Don't Know I Don't Know

You need to plant the seed.

That's what she said. She being Nancy.

Dear ____,

You are not interested. How can I possibly know this? Well, because I know what it's like to not be interested, and that is how you're acting. Well, actually, it's how you're acting part of the time. The rest of the time I have no idea what's going on. Are you interested or not? I really must know because I'm a very busy woman and I haven't got all day. I'm just going to assume that you're not, because if you were you'd try. I try, and I'm interested, however if you were more interested, maybe I wouldn't be. See there's the rub, for in that assumption of attraction, what acts may come? I don't know. They could be horrible. What if you don't like me and I put myself our there and I get nothing. What if you do like me and I don't put myself out there, and nothing happens. It's a lose lose situation, and I need a win win win. Yes, win win win.

I'm going to work on my book. The one that I forgot about, the one that needs me now. Needs me at my most creative. Creative = Drunk.

Peace out homie.

-Sarah

Write What You Know

Write what you know. Write what you know. Write what you know.

What do I know?

I know I don't want to be at home right now. I want to be out, I want to be learning, hearing, seeing things I haven't before. I want to be experiencing things that scare me. I want to feel ways I haven't felt in years. I want to learn to see the world for more than face value. I want to drive until I shouldn't drive anymore, then I want to walk the rest of the way. I want to adventure with nothing more than a flashlight and blanket. I want to find an edge of the world and I want to claim it as my own. But I can't do it alone. Well, I can do it alone, but I don't want to.

I also know that I miss having someone to share things with. I miss being able to see something and immediately know who would appreciate it. I miss having a great feeling and turning to the person who was almost always next to me and telling them all about it. There's no limit to how lonely this world can get. Just when I think I've hit bottom, I find myself even more alone. Just when I think I've found my way out, I realize that I wasn't as close as I thought. I miss hearing songs that remind me of what I have. I miss kisses goodbye, I miss kisses hello. I miss things I never even knew I had.

But the only way to get that again, is to do something scary. The only way to find something special is to be something special, and what if I'm not as special as I think. That's the scariest thought in the world. But now I'm writing what I think, and I'm supposed to be writing what I know. I know I'm scared, and I know why, and it's because I don't know everything.

I do know I'm tired of being scared.

My Spring

Today I was asked by a friend how I had been. She told me to give her the 411 on Sarah, and so I did. I decided to let the words just go and see where they took me. Here are my favorite points. This is a little bit of what I learned about myself by just letting it go:

I've been flirting, and enjoying being single for the first time ever. I miss the attention of a boyfriend, I miss the touch, and the connection. I don't however miss much else. These are all things I'm realizing can be found with other people, and I'm willing to find them finally.

This is what happens when I'm left to my own devices. I become that girl who I always made fun of, who I always said things like "She did it to herself" about. But I don't mind, because now is the Spring of my life. I'm coming into bloom, realizing that I am beautiful, and deciding that this is all I ever needed. I realize now that I am wrong, that I will be wrong, and that mistakes will happen, and that I should not be ashamed or scared of them. That I am in fact going to grow up and out of this a better and stronger person.

I'm learning that life is what I make it, and I'm sick of making it all about someone else. It's my life, not yours, no his, not anyone else's. It's mine, and I should do with it as I please. Right now as I please is scary, and as I please is wrong, and as I please is probably not going to work out. But it's MINE, and for once in this life, I'm ready and willing to take it.