I just want to be okay. I want every little thing to be alright. I know everything I want and I'm completely clueless as to what it is I need. I've had help, thank you everyone who has dealt with me the last few days. I have no shortage of love. I have an idea of what I want but it is beyond me. Far far far beyond me.
Not that I'm trying to have my own little pity party, but just to say it, if a guy like him cannot find it in his heart to love me the way I want to be loved, why should anyone else? My friends (who may I just say, mean well, but could probably be considered borderline delusional sometimes) insist I deserve better. How can I get something better when worse won't even take me? I honestly have no idea what league I'm in. What kind of a guy looks at me and thinks "She's beautiful," "She's funny," "She's got really big hair but I like it." I'm scared I'll set my sights too high. Scared to make friends and find out I am not quite right enough to be more than that. I feel like I'll always be just friends material. What is the characteristic I lack to make me more than friends material?
So I'm scared to try for better, I'm told not to try for worse, and I don't know anyone in the middle.
Let's just be honest, I'm scared. Scared because I no longer have that boy beside me. I miss him. Scared that I'll always miss him. Wonder if he'll ever be there again. What if I never get that feeling back?
My friends can only stay with me so long. Eventually I know I'm going to have to face the bed all by myself and maybe that will be all it takes to get me through this, but I'm so scared of it. I don't want to sleep alone.
Then there's trying to move on. What if it's a replay of last time? He swears he won't ask for me back again because he knows we'll end up here. However what if he did? Would I leave some other guy who probably would have treated me better for what I know won't work out? Who is it going to take to keep me from doing so? When will he come around? I know they aren't questions anyone can answer but how long do I have to feel like this before someone else adventures with me, draws with me, laughs with me, and reminds me that every little thing is gonna be alright.
I'm not as brave as everyone thinks I am. I am not Hamlet, I cannot say, "We defy augury; there's a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all." Well the readiness is not all. Why am I not as brave as Hamlet?
So it goes.
