Wine + I Don't Know I Don't Know

You need to plant the seed.

That's what she said. She being Nancy.

Dear ____,

You are not interested. How can I possibly know this? Well, because I know what it's like to not be interested, and that is how you're acting. Well, actually, it's how you're acting part of the time. The rest of the time I have no idea what's going on. Are you interested or not? I really must know because I'm a very busy woman and I haven't got all day. I'm just going to assume that you're not, because if you were you'd try. I try, and I'm interested, however if you were more interested, maybe I wouldn't be. See there's the rub, for in that assumption of attraction, what acts may come? I don't know. They could be horrible. What if you don't like me and I put myself our there and I get nothing. What if you do like me and I don't put myself out there, and nothing happens. It's a lose lose situation, and I need a win win win. Yes, win win win.

I'm going to work on my book. The one that I forgot about, the one that needs me now. Needs me at my most creative. Creative = Drunk.

Peace out homie.

-Sarah

Write What You Know

Write what you know. Write what you know. Write what you know.

What do I know?

I know I don't want to be at home right now. I want to be out, I want to be learning, hearing, seeing things I haven't before. I want to be experiencing things that scare me. I want to feel ways I haven't felt in years. I want to learn to see the world for more than face value. I want to drive until I shouldn't drive anymore, then I want to walk the rest of the way. I want to adventure with nothing more than a flashlight and blanket. I want to find an edge of the world and I want to claim it as my own. But I can't do it alone. Well, I can do it alone, but I don't want to.

I also know that I miss having someone to share things with. I miss being able to see something and immediately know who would appreciate it. I miss having a great feeling and turning to the person who was almost always next to me and telling them all about it. There's no limit to how lonely this world can get. Just when I think I've hit bottom, I find myself even more alone. Just when I think I've found my way out, I realize that I wasn't as close as I thought. I miss hearing songs that remind me of what I have. I miss kisses goodbye, I miss kisses hello. I miss things I never even knew I had.

But the only way to get that again, is to do something scary. The only way to find something special is to be something special, and what if I'm not as special as I think. That's the scariest thought in the world. But now I'm writing what I think, and I'm supposed to be writing what I know. I know I'm scared, and I know why, and it's because I don't know everything.

I do know I'm tired of being scared.