SeaTac

Okay, so it's not as scary as I thought, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm scared shitless, but I only kind of cried when Riley dropped me off at the shuttle, and I haven't vomited or passed out. So according to me, I'm doing quite well.

I'm here extremely early, I still have an hour and 25 minutes before my flight leaves. My flight *gulp* okay, now I think I'm going to throw up. How did I get roped into this? Two months ago this seemed like a great idea, because well, two months ago this was two months away and I didn't need to worry about it. Now look at me. I'd be lost without this free wifi access. Without it I'd hardly have myself to talk to.

No one is on Facebook to chat with at 5:41 in the morning. I can't imagine why. Weird.

I don't even know my flight number, I'm a terrible flyer. =( I know it's somewhere on my ticket, but all I see when I look at my ticket is "blah blah blah blah, you might die, blah blah blah 7:05". I don't like this whole alone thing. I want Riley. I want him to rub my knee and scratch my back and ask me if I want something to eat, and go get a coffee with me. He's probably sleeping like a log right now, don't blame him. Lucky dog, I mean log.

I am going to go get coffee. Wish me luck on this trip and I shall be back eventually.

Sorry

So um... Yeah, I'm pretty sure that idea crashed and burned. Now it's time to start writing stories again.

My very lovely friend sat me down and said something to me I haven't heard since high school. She said something that touched me (not inappropriately, sadly). She said she thought I was a good writer.

It's been so long since someone said that. So long since someone had faith in my abilities to tell stories, or create worlds. Something, once upon a time, I had loved to do, but since forgot that I did.

I still have great plans to write a screen play about working at a bank. No I will not disclose any name, procedures, or personal information, but there is some funny shit that happens there that I just cannot let go without sharing with the world.

There are days when that phone rings and I answer it and I wish I were on film and that conversation were recorded because it is too priceless to ever be forgotten.

I cannot wait until the day I sit down and learn to write a screen play. It's going to awesome.

Day 6

So, what today you might ask, I set up an exercise plan with the lovely Kim where we'll be walking 3 to 4 times a week early early in the morning. I have set up plans like this in the past, but this one is different because Kim is doing it with me and my plan is to help her while helping myself. I think it'll be great for the both of us in the long run we just need to use each other to make it the most positive experience so that we'll hopefully continue to do so.

I'm making us each a chart where we'll weigh ourselves once a week and keep track of our weight and our goals and help support each other along the way.

This is also a great outlet for Cabo. Help him be active in the morning so he's not so miserable all day when he's stuck at home without us. Poor baby.

I think this will be a great experience even if we don't fully succeed at least we tried. That's half the battle no?

Day 5

Damn it! I forgot to do this yesterday. Okay I'm a day behind I'll make that up later.

So what'd I do today that I've never done before? Well it's not something I've had planned and it's an obvious fill in/attempt to write something so I'm not two days behind. But I'd never sat down and talked to my friend's friends about wedding planning and whatnot. That's about the best I can do tonight.

Night night my friends! Sorry I'm lame.

Day 3

Today was a mostly good day, consisting of multiple things I've never done before.

I think the most important and the most memorable being my first every photo shoot involving men in drag. It was quite beautiful. The setting was a park at sundown, the air was crisp, the mosquitoes were biting. Everyone looked so lovely.

Up until I got pulled over for having 5 month expired tabs, life was going extremely well.

I have to say though, that group of friends are one of the best groups of people I've ever known. There are some very amazing people who weren't there today, but for all those that were, you're amazing, you're spectacular, you're some of the best things that have ever happened to me. I'm glad you guys happened to me. Thanks for happening to me. Epic win today my friends, epic win.

Day 2

Today I tried to use a shovel to uproot those nasty weeds from my new found land. I failed for the most part, but I'm working on it. So that is one thing I have never done before. I have also never drank a bottle and a half of wine with Dazzle and Haley and *zinged* Dazzle's ex via snail mail. So I guess today was a x2 day for things I haven't done.

x3 actually is you count listening to Michael Jackson with Mickey whilst Dazzle finishes slashing her stupid ass ex via snail mail. Whilst still being tipsy. I apology for any incorrect spellings/grammar in this blog as well.

I also did 4 loads of laundry today, but that's like a bimonthly event for me so really has no place in this blog.

Today I have no pictures but suffice to say that it was not as much of a win as yesterday was.

Also I will be checking my xanga today, which hasn't been done in... too long. Let's see how cool I used to be!

365 Days of Sarah

I'm starting something as of today, and hear me out, this is awesome. My plan is this, I will do something I've never done before every day for 365 days and document it in this blog.

Who knows, I may do nothing of the sort and never blog again after a week, but I'm going to try. This is all because I've decided I don't learn enough, I don't experience enough, and I need to do more. The epiphany hit me when about a week ago I had my first fig, 2 weeks ago I used a real lawnmower for the first time. I mean seriously, I'm 23 and those experiences should have happened years ago. So here I am, bring on the experience.

I want help, I want ideas (within reason) things I can do that I've never done before in a normal day. Things like change the oil in my car, or build/fix a fence, or karaoke, or even have sex in a car.

Help me think of idea, from something as little as trying a new fruit, to flying by myself to North Dakota (which is actually on my list for August 31st).

Day 1

Today I used a weed waker for the first, I spent around two hours chopping the weeds by my walkway and I'm pretty sure I served them their ass on a platter. Here's my proof.

Before Sarah:

During Sarah:

After Sarah:

This is a big, I WIN!

Tomorrow who knows what I'll do that I've never done before. Watch a movie based on a Kurt Vonnegut Jr. novel? Maybe. Try a sake bomb? Maybe. Eat squid. Hopefully not, but maybe. We shall see. Wish me luck.

List of Awesome

Today has been a great day.

This is the order it happened in.

1) Everyone at work was in a good mood.

2) Riley took me to Soup Bowl for lunch.

3) Got a call from BECU finding out we caught the fuckers who stole my roomies wallet. Hahaha Fuckers!

4) I walked home in this gorgeous weather.

5) Came home to Breakfast of Champions on my pillow from my awesome roommates!

6) Changed into something more revealing and grabbed a machete and put an end to some weeds.

7) Saw my Derrek, who I don't see enough.

8) Had a glass of wine.

9) Had dinner made for me.

10) Drank some more wine.

11) Played Dragon Age.

12) Preparing to go to sleep next to Riley while watching Heat Guy J.

I don't think I could be happier right now. =D This is the most gorgeous day in days and days. I'm loving it right now.

Home

Home is wherever there is you.

If you want to be cool like me, you should check out this website:

www.rileymania.com

The Dumps

I'm not supposed to feel this way. I'm supposed to feel better about myself now right?

But I'm wrong.

I break everything. I just want something to work more than I've ever wanted anything to work, and I break it.

Somebody please tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix it. Somebody please because I'm obviously not capable of making these decisions on my own.

I feel so down in the dumps.

Pick Me Pick Me

I'm sick of being second rate. I'm sick of everyone having someone else that is just a little bit more what they're looking for. I don't like that I'm the type that is just so mediocre that I make a great buddy buddy, but a terrible partner.

I don't want to be the person you turn to when it doesn't work out with 'her'. I want to be the person you see and realize "Yup, that's 'her'". I want to be the best of everything. Exactly what you wanted. I admit that I like things that are silly. That I read too much. That I do in fact sing the instrumental parts of songs. I cry in movies. I cry in books. I cry in life. I really do laugh out loud when I write lol. I do almost everything half assed unless it involves emotions, I do everything 100% when it comes to that. I don't go out of my way to point out someone is wrong. I catch spiders and other bugs in cups and let them go outside and say "Be free my buggy friend" in farewell. I'm not a bad kind of person. I just have some quirks. I just want someone to notice those quirks and think "Damn, that's neat".

One boy called me neat. I didn't date him because I had to try again. Why did I try again? Where would I be now if I had just let that boy think I was neat for a little bit longer? No use asking such silly questions. Better use of my time right now is sleep.

To sleep perchance to dream, ah there's the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come?

Making a Plan.

I need to accomplish something on my own. Trying to figure out what in the world that could be is the hard part. The most obvious solution is to take part in the Skagit Flats 1/2 marathon in September. I think about it and my body screams "NOOOOOO! Please no, anything but that." To which I reply "But I think it's a splendid plan."

After a long conversation with a friend I realized that I have no idea what I'm doing right now. No idea. I want to talk and then I can't figure out what to say. I want instant answers, instant gratification for things I haven't even done yet. I figure instant gratification isn't likely even after I do them. I am walking around in a haze grasping at straws. I want to take this confusion and anger and funnel it into an answer.

I feel like if I can do this, prepare myself for something this big I will improve my health, my stamina, my appearance. What could be bad about it? Then I think about what will happen if I fail. If I set this goal and don't reach it. I keep not doing anything because I'm scared. I avoid way too much out of fear. I don't say things I mean because I'm scared. I am not happy right now because I'm scared to take the chances that could make me so.

So here is my plan:

I will run 3 to 4 times a week. Maybe more if I can talk myself into it.

I will cut way back on the eating of sweets. Yes that's right, it hurts but I can do it.

I will cut back on the intake of dairy in my life. I can drink rice or soy milk and be just as happy.

I will be able to run 5 miles by the end of June. 10 by the end of August. 13 by September.

(Disclaimer: Even if I can't run 13 miles by September my goal is just to finish.)

I want to be healthier, and happier.

I guess I'm giving a whole new meaning to running away from my problems.

Why now?

To Whom it May Concern,

What the fuck? Seriously? That is so uncalled for! Why is everything so okay for you? Do you really expect me to see you in the store and be excited and greet you with a hug? No. I will not because I am not excited to see you. I'm terrified of seeing you because you altered my life so drastically I don't even know if I'm still standing on my own two feet. It's bullshit!

I cannot pretend that everything is okay, because it's not okay with me. I still hurt. I still think about it. I still hate thinking I did everything wrong.

This is not my fault, maybe I'm irrational, maybe I'm a bit of a bitch, but this was not my doing. I don't deserve this feeling of rejection, or self doubt. It angers me that you would do what you've done.

I contacted you for a simple reason, and I was trying not to make a big deal out of it. Your response was vile in every way. From the "By the way Dennis Hopper is terminally ill" to the "Your new photos look great". Fuck you! I tell you month after month for over a year that I'd appreciate a compliment now and again and I get nothing. Now after destroying most of the self confidence I had left you decide to dish them out like they're candy? Thanks for nothing! That's bullshit and it hurts. What's so different about me now that you feel it's okay to start saying nice things?

I would have appreciated hearing those things when we were together. You know you never would have said them if we were though. I know you wouldn't have. I would have put those exact same pictures up and you would have never said a word. So why now? Why do you suddenly feel I should know that those pictures are great?

I am pissed, hurt, confused, and dressed up like a lumberjack. Tonight is going to be very interesting.

Sincerely,

Me

Wait, they don't love you like I love you.

So I don't know about you, but I hurt. I hurt because the man I was banking on bailed. I hurt because I'm losing one of my only life lines that I really shouldn't be attached to anyway. I hurt because I live with a constant reminder of what I had.

I hurt because I got a call last night consisting of this:

Point 1: Knowing I was off living my life and making a decision that would not involve him that would effect me the rest of my life, made him miss me. Not like "I can't live without you" miss, but like "I'm kind of sad because I didn't get to be there" miss.

Point 2: He doesn't regret leaving. He knows it was right but he wanted me to know point one.

Point 3: The floor that he's been sleeping on hurts. To which I replied, "I offered my bed to you every night for that first week you were gone and you didn't take it. I sure as hell am not offering it to you now." He wasn't asking me to.

Point 4: He hasn't moved on physically yet. To which I say extremely sarcastically "Yippie", like I want to know when you do?

Point 5: How are things going with ... They aren't, just as I told you they wouldn't. I know myself, I know my limits and that is beyond them.

Point 6: He thinks I "deserve better" anyway. Fuck that. I deserve whatever I want and I fucking wanted him. However, he didn't want me.

There's the rub. I can't help but run in circles around the one thought that won't leave my mind. No one wants me. I know it's emo, but I keep coming back to it.

I am finally seeing, why I was the one worth leaving... twice... kind of even three times.

Honesty is the Best Policy

So I'm going to be honest. I hate this. I hate the way I feel right now. I hate feeling conflicted, I hate not knowing if I'm right, or wrong. I hate the idea that I'm probably wrong most of the time anyway. I hate being alone. I mean I have my friends and family and they've all been amazing. But they can't give me what I actually want. No one can right now. Well that's not completely true, someone can give me what I want, but I don't know who.

Being alone is all well and good for the most part, I could handle being alone emotionally. Emotionally I have the best support anyone could ever ask for. I am not lacking in that department. I hate the sleeping alone, and waking up alone, rinse and repeat. I miss the embrace, the kissing goodbye, the kissing hello, the holding hands. I miss having someone beside me when I have bad dreams (which I do), I miss the slight sound of someone else breathing at night, I miss the idea that I won't have to be alone again even though it didn't last. I don't even know what I would give to be held in someone's arms and think they might actually care about me. I want someone to be that close to me again. I want to say I'm strong enough to be on my own, but I can't.

I have an amazing life, full of amazing people, I just lost the person I was supposed to share it with and I wasn't even happy. That's the worst part. Riley didn't make me happy, in fact most of the time he made me quite sad. So why is it so upsetting to me that I'm alone now? I've come to the decision I'm upset because I've lost any remnant of confidence I once had. Riley really didn't want to be with me. According to him, and I quote, "the attraction dwindled". I was 220 lbs when I met Riley. How much can it dwindle? Then I have to force myself to think about, well myself. Physically maybe I'm not less attractive but what in my personality has changed? Where have I lost attraction? I'm so scared that if I can't even hold onto Riley, why should any guy even notice me? Or if they do notice me maybe the only thing driving them to pay attention is pity. I don't want to be pitied. I want to be appreciated.

I have nothing to set me apart from the rest. I like to read, I like to take pictures, I like to make things, I like to hike, I like to swim, I used to think someday I'd get into biking but that hasn't happened yet. I have a lovely blue Schwinn road bike with silver fenders in my garage looking spectacularly unused. I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none. I am probably going to end up settling for a wonderful guy I don't really care for because I'm too scared to try for what I want. Then that poor wonderful guy is going to be me right now. Vicious cycle. In cases like this the ONLY reason I don't try for what I want is because I KNOW I will not succeed. My fear of rejection, spawning from my lack of confidence, all directly related back to my relationship with Riley. God I need to see a shrink.

Against the Night

Hold on to these words,
I'd like to think that they may offer
Some protection,
Against the night.

Against the night,
Your life can feel transparent,
A reflection,
A trick of light.

So when sleep just won't come,
And you've got no occupation,
But nibbling at the fruit
Of the melancholy tree,
Just hold on to these words,
Hold on to me.

Just hold on to these words,
They're the best I've got to offer
At the moment,
As a lullaby.

As a lullaby,
You can lay down by the tracks
And feel the world
Slip by

-Jason Webley

This song makes me very very sad. However in some way it's very very comforting too. I listened to this song as an unintentional lullaby last night. It worked. Then I woke up a little later very confused and partially intoxicated by sleep. I have never been the wisest person in my life, and it's pretty safe to say I've almost always had a big enough mouth to screw up anything be it as large as friendships, or as small as being a passerby in someone's life. It's part of my charm though. At least I'm honest. At least I'm me. I think I'd make a better someone else sometimes though.

Hold on to these words. I love that. Hold on to me. That's the part that kind of hurts me a little.

Bad Idea Land

Dazzle has introduced me to this Bad Idea Land. She says I really shouldn't go there. It's a very bad idea. I know I shouldn't go there too, I mean I actually know I couldn't go there if I wanted to. This makes the truly bad idea even thinking about it. Ah, there's the rub, because telling me to stop thinking about something is like telling my cat not the drink out of the toilet.

What's the worst thing about Bad Idea Land you may ask? Well it's inevitable. I know eventually (or maybe I already have a bit) I'll wander across the borders and when I'm not hit by lightning on my emergence from sanity then I will be like "oh hey maybe this isn't such a bad idea after all." WRONG! Very bad plan. Bad Sarah. Bad bad bad.

Why do I set my sights so high?

Not to quote Matchbox 20, but it's the radio song in my head right now, "I'm lonely now, and I don't know how, to get it back to good." Then I think about the Meat Puppets "Somethings will never change, you'll stand there looking backwards half unconscious from the pain." I miss the 90s. That was a much more simple time. Things get confusing when you get old. I don't like it as much as I thought I would.

I lost my ears.

It's really that simple, and quite sad. I lost my ears.

I have my tail, I found my fur, I just can't find my ears. Story of my life. Where did I leave my ears.

Were it not that I have bad dreams.

"I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams." -Hamlet.

Amen.

So, today Nancy took me to eat (well drink peach tea) at Olive Garden and we talked. I've learned some things, I cried a bit, our waiter gave us extra after dinner candies. I found out the cause of all my angst (shall we say) thinks I've possibly been doing things to make him jealous. Just to say it, the only thing I've done that could make him jealous had nothing to do with him. It had to do with me. It was help when I needed it. Not because I wanted to make him jealous. It angers me slightly. It sullies something I do not think should be sullied. Grrrr.

All in all I am getting better about this. I want a transition, something to make it easier but either way I'm going to have to go through it, with or without a comfort blanket. Riley was my comfort blanket for too long, Nancy will be my comfort blanket tonight as Dazzle was on other nights. I require quite a bit of comfort it would seem.

On another note, I embarrassed myself today. I very much so dislike asking people for things for two reasons:

1. It inconveniences them and I feel my problems shouldn't have to be the problems of others.

2. I have a latent fear of rejection. Whether it was from being overweight while growing up, or being flat out rejected by my own boyfriend. I don't really know why. I do know that it's there even though it's an insecurity I try to hide.

Now life will go on. So it goes. I love saying that. I feel better saying that. To clarify I shouldn't say I embarrassed myself. I more took a chance. I learned rejection doesn't hurt that bad, and it generally could be a lot worse.

Three Little Birds

I just want to be okay. I want every little thing to be alright. I know everything I want and I'm completely clueless as to what it is I need. I've had help, thank you everyone who has dealt with me the last few days. I have no shortage of love. I have an idea of what I want but it is beyond me. Far far far beyond me.

Not that I'm trying to have my own little pity party, but just to say it, if a guy like him cannot find it in his heart to love me the way I want to be loved, why should anyone else? My friends (who may I just say, mean well, but could probably be considered borderline delusional sometimes) insist I deserve better. How can I get something better when worse won't even take me? I honestly have no idea what league I'm in. What kind of a guy looks at me and thinks "She's beautiful," "She's funny," "She's got really big hair but I like it." I'm scared I'll set my sights too high. Scared to make friends and find out I am not quite right enough to be more than that. I feel like I'll always be just friends material. What is the characteristic I lack to make me more than friends material?

So I'm scared to try for better, I'm told not to try for worse, and I don't know anyone in the middle.

Let's just be honest, I'm scared. Scared because I no longer have that boy beside me. I miss him. Scared that I'll always miss him. Wonder if he'll ever be there again. What if I never get that feeling back?

My friends can only stay with me so long. Eventually I know I'm going to have to face the bed all by myself and maybe that will be all it takes to get me through this, but I'm so scared of it. I don't want to sleep alone.

Then there's trying to move on. What if it's a replay of last time? He swears he won't ask for me back again because he knows we'll end up here. However what if he did? Would I leave some other guy who probably would have treated me better for what I know won't work out? Who is it going to take to keep me from doing so? When will he come around? I know they aren't questions anyone can answer but how long do I have to feel like this before someone else adventures with me, draws with me, laughs with me, and reminds me that every little thing is gonna be alright.

I'm not as brave as everyone thinks I am. I am not Hamlet, I cannot say, "We defy augury; there's a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all." Well the readiness is not all. Why am I not as brave as Hamlet?

So it goes.

Hi Ho

I feel like this sometimes, it's supposed to be a wonderful time, you're suppose to enjoy yourself and as an adult you put on your happy face and nobody is the wiser. As a kid if you're unhappy, everyone is going to know. Everyone.

I forget how much of a difference Vonnegut makes in my life. Everything he said, everything he wrote, they all make more sense to me than anything I could ever think, let alone convey in words.

I swear the man channeled every decent thought I ever had before I even had them. I just discovered Vonnegut 3 years ago, give or take, but my thoughts I'd had for a long time before that. He just managed to solidify them and give them a coherency that I never could. Years before I could have ever been conceived, let alone cognitive.

Then I spend week, months, not even thinking about him and I notice a book or a quote and remember that his words are still out there. Strong and influential and relevant as ever, and people still listen to him.

I can't even remember half the things I've read of his, half the ideas I once said were brilliant. It's as though my brain has stored away too much useless information it's started kicking out the pieces I actually wanted to keep.

Figures.