Why now?

To Whom it May Concern,

What the fuck? Seriously? That is so uncalled for! Why is everything so okay for you? Do you really expect me to see you in the store and be excited and greet you with a hug? No. I will not because I am not excited to see you. I'm terrified of seeing you because you altered my life so drastically I don't even know if I'm still standing on my own two feet. It's bullshit!

I cannot pretend that everything is okay, because it's not okay with me. I still hurt. I still think about it. I still hate thinking I did everything wrong.

This is not my fault, maybe I'm irrational, maybe I'm a bit of a bitch, but this was not my doing. I don't deserve this feeling of rejection, or self doubt. It angers me that you would do what you've done.

I contacted you for a simple reason, and I was trying not to make a big deal out of it. Your response was vile in every way. From the "By the way Dennis Hopper is terminally ill" to the "Your new photos look great". Fuck you! I tell you month after month for over a year that I'd appreciate a compliment now and again and I get nothing. Now after destroying most of the self confidence I had left you decide to dish them out like they're candy? Thanks for nothing! That's bullshit and it hurts. What's so different about me now that you feel it's okay to start saying nice things?

I would have appreciated hearing those things when we were together. You know you never would have said them if we were though. I know you wouldn't have. I would have put those exact same pictures up and you would have never said a word. So why now? Why do you suddenly feel I should know that those pictures are great?

I am pissed, hurt, confused, and dressed up like a lumberjack. Tonight is going to be very interesting.

Sincerely,

Me

Wait, they don't love you like I love you.

So I don't know about you, but I hurt. I hurt because the man I was banking on bailed. I hurt because I'm losing one of my only life lines that I really shouldn't be attached to anyway. I hurt because I live with a constant reminder of what I had.

I hurt because I got a call last night consisting of this:

Point 1: Knowing I was off living my life and making a decision that would not involve him that would effect me the rest of my life, made him miss me. Not like "I can't live without you" miss, but like "I'm kind of sad because I didn't get to be there" miss.

Point 2: He doesn't regret leaving. He knows it was right but he wanted me to know point one.

Point 3: The floor that he's been sleeping on hurts. To which I replied, "I offered my bed to you every night for that first week you were gone and you didn't take it. I sure as hell am not offering it to you now." He wasn't asking me to.

Point 4: He hasn't moved on physically yet. To which I say extremely sarcastically "Yippie", like I want to know when you do?

Point 5: How are things going with ... They aren't, just as I told you they wouldn't. I know myself, I know my limits and that is beyond them.

Point 6: He thinks I "deserve better" anyway. Fuck that. I deserve whatever I want and I fucking wanted him. However, he didn't want me.

There's the rub. I can't help but run in circles around the one thought that won't leave my mind. No one wants me. I know it's emo, but I keep coming back to it.

I am finally seeing, why I was the one worth leaving... twice... kind of even three times.

Honesty is the Best Policy

So I'm going to be honest. I hate this. I hate the way I feel right now. I hate feeling conflicted, I hate not knowing if I'm right, or wrong. I hate the idea that I'm probably wrong most of the time anyway. I hate being alone. I mean I have my friends and family and they've all been amazing. But they can't give me what I actually want. No one can right now. Well that's not completely true, someone can give me what I want, but I don't know who.

Being alone is all well and good for the most part, I could handle being alone emotionally. Emotionally I have the best support anyone could ever ask for. I am not lacking in that department. I hate the sleeping alone, and waking up alone, rinse and repeat. I miss the embrace, the kissing goodbye, the kissing hello, the holding hands. I miss having someone beside me when I have bad dreams (which I do), I miss the slight sound of someone else breathing at night, I miss the idea that I won't have to be alone again even though it didn't last. I don't even know what I would give to be held in someone's arms and think they might actually care about me. I want someone to be that close to me again. I want to say I'm strong enough to be on my own, but I can't.

I have an amazing life, full of amazing people, I just lost the person I was supposed to share it with and I wasn't even happy. That's the worst part. Riley didn't make me happy, in fact most of the time he made me quite sad. So why is it so upsetting to me that I'm alone now? I've come to the decision I'm upset because I've lost any remnant of confidence I once had. Riley really didn't want to be with me. According to him, and I quote, "the attraction dwindled". I was 220 lbs when I met Riley. How much can it dwindle? Then I have to force myself to think about, well myself. Physically maybe I'm not less attractive but what in my personality has changed? Where have I lost attraction? I'm so scared that if I can't even hold onto Riley, why should any guy even notice me? Or if they do notice me maybe the only thing driving them to pay attention is pity. I don't want to be pitied. I want to be appreciated.

I have nothing to set me apart from the rest. I like to read, I like to take pictures, I like to make things, I like to hike, I like to swim, I used to think someday I'd get into biking but that hasn't happened yet. I have a lovely blue Schwinn road bike with silver fenders in my garage looking spectacularly unused. I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none. I am probably going to end up settling for a wonderful guy I don't really care for because I'm too scared to try for what I want. Then that poor wonderful guy is going to be me right now. Vicious cycle. In cases like this the ONLY reason I don't try for what I want is because I KNOW I will not succeed. My fear of rejection, spawning from my lack of confidence, all directly related back to my relationship with Riley. God I need to see a shrink.

Against the Night

Hold on to these words,
I'd like to think that they may offer
Some protection,
Against the night.

Against the night,
Your life can feel transparent,
A reflection,
A trick of light.

So when sleep just won't come,
And you've got no occupation,
But nibbling at the fruit
Of the melancholy tree,
Just hold on to these words,
Hold on to me.

Just hold on to these words,
They're the best I've got to offer
At the moment,
As a lullaby.

As a lullaby,
You can lay down by the tracks
And feel the world
Slip by

-Jason Webley

This song makes me very very sad. However in some way it's very very comforting too. I listened to this song as an unintentional lullaby last night. It worked. Then I woke up a little later very confused and partially intoxicated by sleep. I have never been the wisest person in my life, and it's pretty safe to say I've almost always had a big enough mouth to screw up anything be it as large as friendships, or as small as being a passerby in someone's life. It's part of my charm though. At least I'm honest. At least I'm me. I think I'd make a better someone else sometimes though.

Hold on to these words. I love that. Hold on to me. That's the part that kind of hurts me a little.

Bad Idea Land

Dazzle has introduced me to this Bad Idea Land. She says I really shouldn't go there. It's a very bad idea. I know I shouldn't go there too, I mean I actually know I couldn't go there if I wanted to. This makes the truly bad idea even thinking about it. Ah, there's the rub, because telling me to stop thinking about something is like telling my cat not the drink out of the toilet.

What's the worst thing about Bad Idea Land you may ask? Well it's inevitable. I know eventually (or maybe I already have a bit) I'll wander across the borders and when I'm not hit by lightning on my emergence from sanity then I will be like "oh hey maybe this isn't such a bad idea after all." WRONG! Very bad plan. Bad Sarah. Bad bad bad.

Why do I set my sights so high?

Not to quote Matchbox 20, but it's the radio song in my head right now, "I'm lonely now, and I don't know how, to get it back to good." Then I think about the Meat Puppets "Somethings will never change, you'll stand there looking backwards half unconscious from the pain." I miss the 90s. That was a much more simple time. Things get confusing when you get old. I don't like it as much as I thought I would.

I lost my ears.

It's really that simple, and quite sad. I lost my ears.

I have my tail, I found my fur, I just can't find my ears. Story of my life. Where did I leave my ears.

Were it not that I have bad dreams.

"I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams." -Hamlet.

Amen.

So, today Nancy took me to eat (well drink peach tea) at Olive Garden and we talked. I've learned some things, I cried a bit, our waiter gave us extra after dinner candies. I found out the cause of all my angst (shall we say) thinks I've possibly been doing things to make him jealous. Just to say it, the only thing I've done that could make him jealous had nothing to do with him. It had to do with me. It was help when I needed it. Not because I wanted to make him jealous. It angers me slightly. It sullies something I do not think should be sullied. Grrrr.

All in all I am getting better about this. I want a transition, something to make it easier but either way I'm going to have to go through it, with or without a comfort blanket. Riley was my comfort blanket for too long, Nancy will be my comfort blanket tonight as Dazzle was on other nights. I require quite a bit of comfort it would seem.

On another note, I embarrassed myself today. I very much so dislike asking people for things for two reasons:

1. It inconveniences them and I feel my problems shouldn't have to be the problems of others.

2. I have a latent fear of rejection. Whether it was from being overweight while growing up, or being flat out rejected by my own boyfriend. I don't really know why. I do know that it's there even though it's an insecurity I try to hide.

Now life will go on. So it goes. I love saying that. I feel better saying that. To clarify I shouldn't say I embarrassed myself. I more took a chance. I learned rejection doesn't hurt that bad, and it generally could be a lot worse.