Wine + I Don't Know I Don't Know

You need to plant the seed.

That's what she said. She being Nancy.

Dear ____,

You are not interested. How can I possibly know this? Well, because I know what it's like to not be interested, and that is how you're acting. Well, actually, it's how you're acting part of the time. The rest of the time I have no idea what's going on. Are you interested or not? I really must know because I'm a very busy woman and I haven't got all day. I'm just going to assume that you're not, because if you were you'd try. I try, and I'm interested, however if you were more interested, maybe I wouldn't be. See there's the rub, for in that assumption of attraction, what acts may come? I don't know. They could be horrible. What if you don't like me and I put myself our there and I get nothing. What if you do like me and I don't put myself out there, and nothing happens. It's a lose lose situation, and I need a win win win. Yes, win win win.

I'm going to work on my book. The one that I forgot about, the one that needs me now. Needs me at my most creative. Creative = Drunk.

Peace out homie.

-Sarah

Write What You Know

Write what you know. Write what you know. Write what you know.

What do I know?

I know I don't want to be at home right now. I want to be out, I want to be learning, hearing, seeing things I haven't before. I want to be experiencing things that scare me. I want to feel ways I haven't felt in years. I want to learn to see the world for more than face value. I want to drive until I shouldn't drive anymore, then I want to walk the rest of the way. I want to adventure with nothing more than a flashlight and blanket. I want to find an edge of the world and I want to claim it as my own. But I can't do it alone. Well, I can do it alone, but I don't want to.

I also know that I miss having someone to share things with. I miss being able to see something and immediately know who would appreciate it. I miss having a great feeling and turning to the person who was almost always next to me and telling them all about it. There's no limit to how lonely this world can get. Just when I think I've hit bottom, I find myself even more alone. Just when I think I've found my way out, I realize that I wasn't as close as I thought. I miss hearing songs that remind me of what I have. I miss kisses goodbye, I miss kisses hello. I miss things I never even knew I had.

But the only way to get that again, is to do something scary. The only way to find something special is to be something special, and what if I'm not as special as I think. That's the scariest thought in the world. But now I'm writing what I think, and I'm supposed to be writing what I know. I know I'm scared, and I know why, and it's because I don't know everything.

I do know I'm tired of being scared.

My Spring

Today I was asked by a friend how I had been. She told me to give her the 411 on Sarah, and so I did. I decided to let the words just go and see where they took me. Here are my favorite points. This is a little bit of what I learned about myself by just letting it go:

I've been flirting, and enjoying being single for the first time ever. I miss the attention of a boyfriend, I miss the touch, and the connection. I don't however miss much else. These are all things I'm realizing can be found with other people, and I'm willing to find them finally.

This is what happens when I'm left to my own devices. I become that girl who I always made fun of, who I always said things like "She did it to herself" about. But I don't mind, because now is the Spring of my life. I'm coming into bloom, realizing that I am beautiful, and deciding that this is all I ever needed. I realize now that I am wrong, that I will be wrong, and that mistakes will happen, and that I should not be ashamed or scared of them. That I am in fact going to grow up and out of this a better and stronger person.

I'm learning that life is what I make it, and I'm sick of making it all about someone else. It's my life, not yours, no his, not anyone else's. It's mine, and I should do with it as I please. Right now as I please is scary, and as I please is wrong, and as I please is probably not going to work out. But it's MINE, and for once in this life, I'm ready and willing to take it.

SeaTac

Okay, so it's not as scary as I thought, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm scared shitless, but I only kind of cried when Riley dropped me off at the shuttle, and I haven't vomited or passed out. So according to me, I'm doing quite well.

I'm here extremely early, I still have an hour and 25 minutes before my flight leaves. My flight *gulp* okay, now I think I'm going to throw up. How did I get roped into this? Two months ago this seemed like a great idea, because well, two months ago this was two months away and I didn't need to worry about it. Now look at me. I'd be lost without this free wifi access. Without it I'd hardly have myself to talk to.

No one is on Facebook to chat with at 5:41 in the morning. I can't imagine why. Weird.

I don't even know my flight number, I'm a terrible flyer. =( I know it's somewhere on my ticket, but all I see when I look at my ticket is "blah blah blah blah, you might die, blah blah blah 7:05". I don't like this whole alone thing. I want Riley. I want him to rub my knee and scratch my back and ask me if I want something to eat, and go get a coffee with me. He's probably sleeping like a log right now, don't blame him. Lucky dog, I mean log.

I am going to go get coffee. Wish me luck on this trip and I shall be back eventually.

Sorry

So um... Yeah, I'm pretty sure that idea crashed and burned. Now it's time to start writing stories again.

My very lovely friend sat me down and said something to me I haven't heard since high school. She said something that touched me (not inappropriately, sadly). She said she thought I was a good writer.

It's been so long since someone said that. So long since someone had faith in my abilities to tell stories, or create worlds. Something, once upon a time, I had loved to do, but since forgot that I did.

I still have great plans to write a screen play about working at a bank. No I will not disclose any name, procedures, or personal information, but there is some funny shit that happens there that I just cannot let go without sharing with the world.

There are days when that phone rings and I answer it and I wish I were on film and that conversation were recorded because it is too priceless to ever be forgotten.

I cannot wait until the day I sit down and learn to write a screen play. It's going to awesome.

Day 6

So, what today you might ask, I set up an exercise plan with the lovely Kim where we'll be walking 3 to 4 times a week early early in the morning. I have set up plans like this in the past, but this one is different because Kim is doing it with me and my plan is to help her while helping myself. I think it'll be great for the both of us in the long run we just need to use each other to make it the most positive experience so that we'll hopefully continue to do so.

I'm making us each a chart where we'll weigh ourselves once a week and keep track of our weight and our goals and help support each other along the way.

This is also a great outlet for Cabo. Help him be active in the morning so he's not so miserable all day when he's stuck at home without us. Poor baby.

I think this will be a great experience even if we don't fully succeed at least we tried. That's half the battle no?

Day 5

Damn it! I forgot to do this yesterday. Okay I'm a day behind I'll make that up later.

So what'd I do today that I've never done before? Well it's not something I've had planned and it's an obvious fill in/attempt to write something so I'm not two days behind. But I'd never sat down and talked to my friend's friends about wedding planning and whatnot. That's about the best I can do tonight.

Night night my friends! Sorry I'm lame.